Thursday, September 3, 2009

The Difference Between Men and Women

This morning my husband tried on a pair of pants and realized they were now too small in the waist. It brought to my attention the difference between men and women in this particular situation.

See, when women try on something from their closet that's too small:
  • They feel guilt. If it fit before, and it doesn't fit now, they obviously must have somehow 'let themselves go'.
  • They rehang the jeans in a prominent location for 'motivation'.
  • They look at the offending jeans every day and grit their teeth a little.
  • They think about how the pants fit fine a few months ago, and how much happier they were back then - back before they became such a slob.
  • They vow not to buy any more new clothes until they're the size they wore 5, no, 10 years ago.
  • They curse their metabolism.
  • They curse their body type.
  • They curse the fashion industry for designing clothing for women without hips.
  • They curse skinny people, especially naturally skinny people.
  • They pull out their high school yearbooks and wonder why they thought they were so fat back then anyhow.
  • They join Weight Watchers. Again.
  • They start drinking ridiculous amounts of water and peeing too frequently.
  • They begin reading food labels and keeping track of things that had no meaning to them before like calories, carbs, fat grams, and fiber.
  • They stop buying yummy food and start buying things with 'lowfat', 'light', 'reduced fat', and 'healthy' in the titles.
  • They log everything that passes their lips into a journal or notebook or onto a weight loss website.
  • They 'blow it' one day and go on a binge of fruit snacks and Goldfish crackers because it's the only thing in the house resembling junk food.
  • They start ordering salad dressing on the side.
  • They park the car a little further away and walk.
  • They take the stairs.
  • They lose a few pounds and celebrate by baking chocolate chip cookies.
  • They gain back those pounds plus a few more and stop baking cookies, brownies, and cupcakes, essentially punishing the whole family for their own lack of self control.
  • They buy a gym membership.
  • They buy new work out shoes and sports bras.
  • They purchase a treadmill because it's really too hard to get to the gym with kids in tow and they're too embarrassed to work out in front of other people anyhow.
  • They duck whenever anyone pulls out a camera and push the kids in front of them to hide their lower body when forced to be photographed against their will.
  • They analyze every photo they ever see of themselves, trying to guess their approximate weight at the time the picture was taken, as well as the roundness of their face, and the girth of their arms, compared to now.
  • They stop giving out candy for Halloween and become those annoying people who hand out erasers and cheap pencils.
  • They watch fashion and makeover shows to see how to dress to hide their obvious body flaws.
  • They feel angry that the media has caused them to feel so ashamed of their womanly curves that brought such sweet children into this world and nourished their little bodies for so long.
  • They curse the same children for making their hips spread, their boobs sag, and their stomach look like a road map.
  • They rebuke those little brats for being wild and driving them to eat emotionally.
  • They curse the Krispy Kremes they ate yesterday.
  • They curse the makers of M&M's, especially the peanut ones, and those new coconut flavored M&M's, which I personally haven't tried yet, but have heard are quite delightful.
  • They also curse the makers of potato chips, movie theatre popcorn,ice cream, and all Olive Garden restaurant locations for serving their delicious fettuccine alfredo and accompanying salad and breadsticks.
  • They research liposuction and wonder if there's some sort of discount for getting a tummy tuck and breast lift at the same time; or a two-for-one deal for bringing in a friend.
  • They give up on the idea of plastic surgery, at least for now, because one or more of the kids are eventually going to need braces and/or glasses and, with any luck, some type of college fund.
  • They stop leaving the house because the one pair of jeans they own that actually fit are often in the wash.
  • After missing yet another Enrichment Night/soccer practice/Pampered Chef party due to the little laundry situation, they finally resolve to buy another pair of jeans, swearing they'll get rid of them as soon as they lose the weight.
  • While out shopping for the aforementioned jeans, they have a mini breakdown in the dressing room when they realize that they're actually up not just one, but TWO sizes, and the only jeans that will now sufficiently cover their butt crack when they sit down are 'Mom Jeans'.
  • Still in the dressing room, they lean against the wall and weep silently after overhearing the 18-year-old in the next stall loudly lament to her BFF that the size 2's she's trying on are just too big.
  • Finally, they shamefully wear the new larger jeans and realize that, because they are not cutting off circulation to the lower half of their body, the jeans are actually quite comfy.
And men?

Well, when men discover that their pants are too small, they shrug, and then they just go out and buy new pants.


M&m said...

This is hilarious! So true.

The Crazy Cat Lady said...

This list is so true, especially joining Weight Watchers again, and getting a gym membership. I have my clothes in sections - fat, normal, and skinny! Blah!

Melissa said...

Its like you are in my head! This is my life. Glad to know I am not alone.

Erin Noel said...

Talk about hitting the nail on the head. Do you mind if I copy and paste this on my blog it's just too funny not to share.

Raejean said...

And when men start loosing their weight, it's like 5 pounds in a day. It takes me months to loose 5 pounds!

Natalie said...

Yeah, I know. If Nate skips a couple of cheeseburgers, he'll be back in those pants in a week!

Beth said...

I am way impressed that you wrote this. Very good. I would also add that women stand in front of the mirror and ask their husband "Do I look fat?" Of course, he doesn't now how to respond.

Maureen said...

What a long list! I am afraid to try on my jeans, I know they dont' fit :(((

Sarah said...

Oh my heavens, Natalie, I laughed so hard! It's all SO true!! Dangit!

Holly @ InkPaperStamps said...

bwahahahahahaha!!! Natalie, this is too funny--and too true! TFS

JulieA said...

Bwahahahaha!!!! ROFL!!! That is so true and I think your list is quite good! You're really good at this.

MamaBug said...

Too funny!