Friday, February 12, 2010

To you, from me, FOR me...

Today I caught part of the Martha Stewart special Valentine's Day show.

I normally don't mind Martha. She's got some great ideas, right?

Like these ridiculously adorable Valentine soaps.

And how cute are these little treat cups?!

So on today's show, she asked some of her guests what were some the best and worst gifts they've ever received or given for Valentine's Day.

And so, imagine my surprise when she later went on to have a segment where she taught a man how to make...

(wait for it, because it's good...)

a "Lingerie Bouquet" for his somewhat mortified looking wife who was sitting on the front row.

Each flower was carefully crafted using a rolled up pair of lace panties from Hanky Panky, an online store whose home page boasts of the ability to 'personalize your thongs'.


Just listening to Martha instruct this poor, fumbling man to "fold the crotch up twice until it reaches the waistband" kind of gave me the willies.

Somewhat like when she had this pole dancing segment on a few weeks ago:


But back to the crummy gift idea.

I don't know about you, but if my husband ever presented me with a dozen pair of lace panties he'd delicately rolled up into flowers and wrapped in tissue like a bouqet, not only would I question his manhood, there's a pretty good chance he'd never get the opportunity to actually see me wearing those panties, or any other for that matter, ever again - if you get what I'm saying.

Lingerie as a gift has never made much sense to me anyway.

Years ago, I was working in the lingerie section of a department store during the Christmas season. At closing time on Christmas Eve, an annoucement was made inviting customers to bring their final purchases to the counter. Rather than encourage the shoppers to leave well enough alone and go home already, this announcement had the opposite effect and seemed to whip many of them into a last minute Christmas buying frenzy. People were practically running around the store grabbing ahold of anything that might possibly be considered a gift.

A few minutes later, another announcement was made about the store preparing to close, yet the shopping blitz continued. A few more notifications (more like desperate pleas at this point) were made informing shoppers that in order for the store's employees to be able to spend the holiday with their families, the registers would soon be shut down and the doors would be locked.

But the store still didn't clear out.

What few realized before that moment was that the normal people had all gone home after the first announcement, and what was left in the ransacked store (besides the terror-strickened employees) was a mob of crazy, desperate, "I'm such a jerk I didn't even bother to think about doing any kind of Christmas shopping until today" kind of people.

(It's frightening to think about, isn't it?)

Fortunately the management of the store stepped up and came down from their corner offices to "help" customers make their final purchases by practically leading them by the arm to the registers and shooing them out the door.

And so, the final transaction I made on that special Christmas Eve was for a deranged, grizzly looking, hick of a man desperately clutching a lacy pair of crimson red thong underwear. This yokel, who seemed quite pleased with himself for finding the perfect gift, (and last minute to boot! Ho ho ho!) had been politely escorted to my register by a distinguished, expensive suit-clad store executive.

It was awkward, to say the least.

And how could anyone not wonder about the "lucky" recipient of that skanky underwear?

Because it's really the thought that counts, right?

Once again, ew.

So, what was the best (or worst!) Valentine's Day gift you've even given or received?


MamaBug said...

One of the most bizarre, EW! things I've ever heard of was posted on scrapbooking message board (on the non-scrapbook related forum). A sixty-something mother/grandmother was planning to purchase her daughter and son-in-law a pole kit (for pole dancing) for Christmas. Now that's classy.

Natalie said...


Sarah said...

Oh my, I laughed so hard at the lingerie bouquet!!

Raejean said...

Maybe that's why Valentine's isn't my favorite holiday!

Todd said...

I laughed so hard at the Martha video.