Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Dear Stupid Pet Owner,

Earlier this morning, your mangy mutt decided to join me, and my well groomed and properly leashed dog, Thelma, during the first mile of our run.  I assure you as someone with previous dog bite experience - it is quite terrifying to see a large, loose canine lumbering toward you while out in a public area. 

Once the dog had arrived and made his amicable intentions known, I paused my running and looked around to see if the owner (THAT'S YOU, DUMMY!) was anywhere in sight to retrieve this crossbreed.

When a responsible party was not to be found, Thelma and I proceeded along on our run, now ambitiously pursued by your foul beast.

Feeling somewhat responsible for unintentionally luring your dumb dog away from his familiar surroundings by my obviously friendly manner and the beautiful, buxom, blond bombshell of a dog that accompanied me, I hoped your dog would eventually grow tired and turn back home.

He did not.

In fact, he followed us.

For the next four miles.

And during those four miles, several people wrongfully assumed that the mangy mongrel shadowing me so closely was indeed mine and gave ME dirty looks for my utter irresponsibility as YOUR DOG dodged in front of their cars and defaced their yards.

Upon returning home, I had to shoo your degenerate mutt out of my garage to allow my own pet to enter my home.  Because your dog appeared to have had quite a workout, I showed courtesy by offering him a bowl of cold water as he sat on my front porch panting for quite some time.

Hopefully, your scruffy pal found his way back to your residence and has been properly confined within an adequate enclosure that will prevent a repeat occurrence of the aforementioned event. 

But I highly doubt this, since it's actually the second time this flea bag of yours has stalked us while out on one of our runs.

The purpose of this letter, besides pointing our your complete lack of responsibility in your stewardship of one of God's creatures, is to inform you that you owe me $20 for today's dog walking services.

Please remit payment in the form of  cash, money order, or a QuikTrip gift card.


(of Natalie's Professional Pet Walking Services, LLC)

(P.S.  Please feed your poor dog more.  He's ridiculously skinny.  And a bath would totally help.)


JulieA said...

Oh Natalie, I just love your stories!!! I hope the dog owner shows up. If not, what will you do?

Sarah said...

Oh my...I laughed so hard!! :)

Nate said...

You have outdone yourself with this story sweetheart. Thanks for making me laugh. Carry your mace with you from now on okay?

JenniSue said...

I can't stop laughing Natalie, this is too funny! It seems you have the same luck Johnny does. He is constantly having animals. We have a dog from a few houses down that is constantly "visiting" our house. A couple of weeks ago it was a cat, Monday it was a frozen baby bird...it's pretty funny. Your story was the best though.

Mark 'n Mindee West said...

I love your writing. Seriously, when are you publishing a book? It would be a best seller. And good luck with that dog... not sure how you are going to solve this little dilema. Put the dog-catcher on speed dial?

disabilitydiva said...

Oh Natalie What an adventure. I tire of irresponsible pet owners as well (cat poo in the yard while trying to play with my boys in the outdoors...good times not!)
LOL about the fee for your services!!!!

The Crazy Cat Lady said...

Oh, it lookes like Thelma found a new boyfriend. : ) I hate stupid pet owners.

Tilleea said...

oh my heck that is the same dog that showed up at the park after susan and I were done walking last week. Susan actually took the dog home for the afternoon until the owner came home from school or work or whatever (number was on the dog tags). Next time I see the poor dog, I'm so calling the pound or animal abuse hotline. (like I even know the number to either one!)

Natalie said...

I totally believe it! I called the number on the tags too, but no one answered, and because the dog was so scruffy looking, I didn't want it hanging out in my backyard or around my kids. I really hope he found his way home. :( Guess I'd better look up the number for animal control for next time!